It is always weird to visit a doctor to try and get yourself tended to. I have embraced the awkward part of adulthood where you call a doctor, make an appointment, battle to get insurance cards, and go to the appointment. I have even accepted the part where you pay the bill and get over it.

What I can’t do? I can’t seem to process and do what I am told to do for my health. Take today, for example. I went to an annual appointment to get checked up. I have gained almost 15lbs since last year. My blood pressure is up again. There are small irregularities that are made note of. My doctor gave me forms. Papers. Flyers. Websites. 

I need to loose weight. I need to get my blood pressure down. I have to take care of myself. Exercise. Reduce stress. Sounds generic, right? 

I know I must tend to myself. I must. Yet, I can not find the power to. Is it just pure childishness? Defiance of an adult telling me how to live my life?

I shall do the required bits. However, I am terrified. I am 23. I should not be freaking out as much as I am. I should find it easy. Fix it and carry on. Live life. Right? I can not. All that runs through my head is the fact that my mother died at 24. The same age I shall be this year. And all I think is that she may have felt the same way as I do. Felt the same towards doctors. Felt the same about them. 

Maybe I am overrthinking. Maybe not. All I know…. I need to grow up and probably do what the doctors say. For the sake of my health and well-being.